Imprint | City Map | Legal Notes | Site Map | Contact | ©2006 Jean-Pierre Külling | Last update 28.03.2006

 

Englische Witze

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ... and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No", she replies... "You just happened to catch my eye."

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" "Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the > other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear. The others raise their eyebrows. "I'm getting a Fax," he explains

Speke: Are you there? Are you there? Watt: No, I`m here. Speke: What`s your name? Watt: Watt. Speke: What`s your name? Watt: Watt. Speke: Can`t you hear? What`s your name? Watt: Watt`s my name. Speke: Yes, what`s your name? Watt: My name`s Watt. Speke: I`m asking you. Watt: I`m called Watt! Speke: I don`t know. Watt: I am Mr. Tom Watt! Speke: Oh, I`m sorry. I didn`t understand. Watt: Woh are you? Speke: Speke. Watt: I am speaking. What`s your name? No, it isn`t. My name`s Speke. I want to speak to Day. Watt: You can speak to-day. I can hear you. Speke: I don`t want you to hear me. I want to speak to Day. Watt: At what time? Speke: Now! I want to speak to Day. To Day! To DAY! Watt: It`s to-day now, Speke. Speak, Speke. Speke: But I want to speak to Mr. Henry Day now. Watt: Oh, I`m sorry. You can`t speak to Day to-day. He doesn`t want to speak to Speke to-day. He told me so.

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$25.00" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, "What've you got this time?" Boy - "My ball glove." Man - "How much?" Boy - "$75.00" A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball around" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$100.00" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"

The guy says,I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac. I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Paul" at me when I was with my client. He agreed. Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Paul, what's happening?" To which I replied, "Buzz off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. Their line had included Senators, Pastors, and Wall Street wizards. Now they decided to compile a family history, a legacy for the children. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose: how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. But the author said not to worry, he could handle that section of history tactfully.When the book appeared, the family turned to the section on Uncle George. There, they read 'George Smith occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution and was attached to his position by the strongest of ties. His death came as a real shock.'

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another fora while. One asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegeatable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?" "Opened a can of peas instead!"

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying the coffin out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the coffin. They hear a faint moan. They open the coffin and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten years more and then dies. A funeral is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the coffin.As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"

Announcements in church bulletins: Tuesday at 4pm will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, come early. Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the little mothers club. All ladies wishing to be little mothers please meet the pastor in his study. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Johnson to lay an egg at the altar. Tonight's sermon: What is hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice. Pray for the many who are sick of our church and community.

One day two old ladies were standing outside the nursing home casually having a smoke. After being outside for a while it started to rain on them. Suddenly, one of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over her cigarette.The other lady asked, "What's that for?" The first replied, "It's to keep my cigarette dry when I'm outside smoking and it starts to rain." The second lady said, "That's a pretty crafty idea." The following day the old lady went to the drugstore to get some condoms. She walked in and told the clerk, "I'd like some condoms please." The clerk looked at the old lady, rather baffled at why she would need condoms. However, he asked, "What brand would you like, Madam?" The old lady smiled and replied, "I don't care what brand you give me, as long as it fits a Camel."

A Sunday School teacher was concerned that his pupils might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!" Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!" Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" he whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

Actual public notices from our cousins in other countries: Hotel lobby in Bucharest, Romania: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. Paris hotel lift: Please leave your values at the front desk. Athens hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between 9 and 11am daily. Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. Hong Kong tailor's: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. Hotel in Acapulco, Mexico: The manager has personally passed all the water served here

CLIENT: Can you tell me what your fees are? LAWYER: Well, I charge 100 pounds to answer three questions. CLIENT: That's rather steep, isn't it? LAWYER: Yes, now what's your final question? Kirk: "Mr. Spock - Scan the romulan spaceship!" Spock: "OK, Sir - is 300 DPI good enough?"

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight: "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty. "No, you`re not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb. "I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb. "No, you`re not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan. "I`ve had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan. "No, you haven`t" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty. Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time. Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so." In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees." In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton?"

A small turtle comes along on the forest ground. With incredible effort and tenacity it begins to climb the trunk of a large tree. After a very long time it reaches a limb and teeters on along it, then jumps off. It lands on its back where it remains for a while, stunned by its fall. Then it rightens itself and starts the procedure again. On a higher limg two birds are watching. After the turtle has jumped several times, one bird says: "Darling, don`t you thing it`s time to tell him he was adopted?"

What is the difference between a lady coming out of a bath and a lady coming out of a curch?? The lady from the church has got a soul full of hope and the lady from the bath has got a hole full of soap!

A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom is preparing a meal and says, "Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I look to see what it is, you`re sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?" The startled mother recovers quickly and says, "Your dad is a little overweight and I`m trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him." The little kid just shakes his head and says, "Mom, you`re wasting your time, because once a week, that pretty lady next door comes over and blows daddy right back up.

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn`t feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say «Happy Birthday» and probably have a present for me. She didn`t even say «Good morning», let alone any «Happy Birthday». I said, well, that`s wives for you. The children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn`t say a word. When I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning boss, Happy Birthday!" And I felt a little better - someone had remembered. About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it`s such a beautiful day outside and it`s your birthday, let`s go to lunch, just you and me". "Let`s go!" We went to lunch. We didn`t go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it`s such a beautiful day. We don`t need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let`s go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don`t mind, I think I`ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure", I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and about six minutes later she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my co-workers, wife and children. All were singing «Happy Birthday . . .», and there on the couch I sat . . . with nothing on but my socks . . ..

On a Transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when a wing is struck by lightning. A woman in first class loses control. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I`m too young to die!". A nearby lady tries to comfort her, but she won`t be comforted. Suddenly she yells, "Well, if I`m going to die, I want my last minutes of life to count for something! I`ve had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I`ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. Distracted from their own peril, all stare at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man in business class stands up. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. From his appearance it is obvious he is a man with whom a woman would like to pass her last moments. He walks up the aisle, slowly unbuttoning his shirt as he walks. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the handsome man approaches. He removes his shirt. The sight of his bare torso brings a gasp of delight from the woman. He reaches for her, holding his shirt toward the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine.

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying "T-G-I-F." He smiled at her and replied "S-H-I-T." She looked at him, puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering "S-H-I-T." The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F" another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T." The blonde finally decided to explain things and this time she said "T-G-I-F........... T-hank G-od I-ts F-riday; get it?" The man answered, "S-H-I-T.........S-orry H-oney, I-ts T-hursday."

"American beer is like make love in a canoe: fucking close to water!" (by Woody Allen)

The pirate A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off" "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook !".

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren´t going to scream, and we´re gonna get killed!"

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the man is on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I´m sorry to bother you, but I´m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I´ve got a better idea... let´s pretend we´re married." "Why not," giggles the man. "Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket."

Husband asks his wife: "Shall we try a different position tonight?" Wife replies: "That´s a good idea. Why don´t YOU stand by the sink and do the dishes and I´ll sit on the sofa and fart."

I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole on the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in 'n' out a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind, and I return to my original position. Cleaning is usually done after I am. What am I? . . . . Well, I am your very own...Toothbrush! What were you thinking? You naughty person!

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?" "No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No, come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

A boy and his father visiting from a third world country were at a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father "What is this Father?". The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled in between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch ten circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother!"

One of the reps, traveling by plane, was in urgent need of using the men's room. Each time he tried the door, it was occupied. The stewardess, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the ladies room, but cautioned him against pressing any of the buttons on the wall. The buttons were marked, "WW", "WA", "PP", and "ATR". Eventually his curiosity got the best of him, and sitting there he carefully pressed the first button marked "WW". Immediately, warm water sprayed gently over his behind. This, he thought, was completely out of this world. The button marked "WA" was next, and warm air completely dried his butt. Golly, he thought, the gals really have it make. He next pushed the "PP" button, which yielded a large powder puff patting his bottom lightly with a scented powder. Naturally, he could not resist the last button marked "ATR". When he awoke in the hospital, he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened?? The last thing I can remember, I was in the ladies room aboard a 747". The nurse replied: "Yes, you were, but you were cautioned about pressing any buttons. Obviously you were having a great time, until you pressed the one marked "ATR" which stands for "Automatic Tampon Remover"...

A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in L.A. He's stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We're not even moving." He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars and he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?" "O.J. just found out the civil verdict and he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the freeway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $33.5 million for the Brown and Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him." The man says, "Oh really, how much have you got so far." "So far....ten gallons."

The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming... Foul play has not been ruled out...

A customer went into a pub and out of his coat pocket, he produced a 14-inch little man who plays the piano. The landlord was very impressed and ask him where he got this little pianist from. He said: "I was clearing an old aunty's loft and found this lamp and when I rubbed it a genie appeared and granted me a wish." The landlord said: "That's good!, can I borrow this lamp?" "Sure!" said the customer handing over the lamp. The landlord took the lamp and rubbed it and out came a duck with a halo on its head. "Funny, I didn't wish for that!!" said the landlord, to which the customer replied: "Did you think I would wish for a fourteen inch pianist!"

A little old lady walked into the main branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars that she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. But first, she said that she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the rather large amount of money involved. After looking into the bag and seeing bundles of $1,000.00 dollar bills which could have amounted to $3 million dollars, he called the president's office and saw to it that the old lady met with him. The lady was escorted up stairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to know the people that she did business with on a more personal level. The president then asked her how she came into such a large amount of money "was it inheritance?" he asked. "No," she replied. He was quiet for a minute trying to think where she could have come into $3 million. "I bet" she stated. "You bet!" repeated the president. "As in horses?" "No," she replied, "I bet on people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets different things with people. All of the sudden she said "I'll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 am tomorrow your balls will be square". The bank president figured that she must be off of her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could loose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances - there was $25,000.00 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure that everything was OK. There was no difference, he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00, humming as he went. He knew that this would be a good day, how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing? At 10:00 am sharp, the little old lady was escorted into his office. With her was a younger man. When the president inquired as to the purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and that she always took him along when there was a large amount of money involved. "Well", she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I always have been, only $25,000.00 richer!" The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The president thought that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough everything was fine. The president then looked up and saw her lawyer banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" the president asked. "Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 this morning that I would have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

A recent Italian immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Italian stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Italian, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Italian stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Italian stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walka with pr-r-ride man!

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. "Spot!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished. "Yeah daddy, yeah daddy," said the little boy. After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends. "Say, Pop," said the boy. "Yes," replied his father. "The bull just fucked the brown cow." There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow." The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Daddy." "Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?" "He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!"

A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!" The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain." The man said, "But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish." The sister said, "Oh, ok." She took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught." Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that." The nun said, "That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish." So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught." Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn"t talk like that!" Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish." Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it." That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish." And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish." The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said... "I LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE ALREADY!"

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling: "you sign! You sign!". Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the chinese man starts to yell louder. "you sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Sod off." and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little chinese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under nelsons nose, yelling "you sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little chinese man back, shouting: "Look, sod off you little chinky slanty eyed prick! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" then slams the door in his face again. The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening the door, the little chinese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!". Behind him are TWO large trucks full of car parts. Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him: "look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little chinese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "you not Nissan Maindealer?"

What is Easter? Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in theside, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter..."

I was a first grade teacher. I had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read I gave the children a work sheet to do. I thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it there. I heard a little girl say very softly "Jesus Christ!". I leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school." She looked at me, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!"

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke (that was the only place they could smoke at the nursing home) when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, draped it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 2: "What's that?" Lady 1: "A condom." Lady 2: "Where'd you get it?" Lady 1: "You can get them at any drugstore." The next day, Lady 2 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80ies), but asks what brand she prefers. "Doesn't matter," she replies, "as long as it fits a Camel..."

A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over tothe side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry. A blonde woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Fifty feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave..."

During a telecommunications seminar, there were three guys in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first guy finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. Turning to the other two, he says, "At Alcatel, we are trained to be extremely thorough." The second guy finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel: He turns and says, "At Ericsson not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient." The third guy finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder: "At Siemens, we don't piss on our hands..."

A gorilla is walking through the jungle. He parts the bushes by the watering hole and sees a lion taking a drink of water with his butt sticking up in the air. The gorilla thinks to himself that it would be really funny if he snuck up behind this "King of the Jungle" and slipped him the old sausage. So the gorilla sneaks up on his tiptoes behind the lion, grabs him by the hips and starts pumping him in the butt as hard as he can. Then, he pulls out and runs away, laughing his head off. He thinks it is the funniest thing he's ever done in his life, screwing the "King of the Jungle" in the rear end. The lion is shocked and upset, lets out a mighty ROAR and chases the gorilla through the jungle. Now, the gorilla can't run very fast and the lion keeps getting closer and closer, so the gorilla ducks into a campsite, puts on some safari clothes and pith helmet, picks up a newspaper, sits down and holds it up to his face, and makes like he is reading it. Just then, the lion comes busting through the jungle. "RRRRRROOOOOOOOAAAAARRRRRR!" he says. "Did you just see a big gorilla run through here?" The gorilla starts shaking behind the paper. "Uh, you mean the one that just s-s-s-screwed you in the ass?" he stutters. The lion sits up with a start and says, "Jesus! It's in the paper already?"

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?" "OK." He thinks this day was bound to come, and am not going to let my little princess learn about Sex from the streets. So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception,sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wetdreams. Then she asks: "Daddy what is 'A Couple?'" And he carries on :a couple are the two people involved in the sex, but this can be two males also, where they penetrate from the ass, or two females which we call lesbians, where they use the tongue on the vagina, and goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, pedophilia, sex toys etc... The father finally asks: "So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex?'" "Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

Ray's tennis elbow had been killing him, so when he was passing by the doctor's office one day, he decided to stop in. The nurse told him he could see the doctor in twenty minutes, but first he had to provide a urine sample. Ray told her that was absurd for an elbow examination, but she insisted. Finally, he agreed. Later, he was ushered in to see the doctor, who said, "That tennLater, he was ushered in to see the doctor, who said, "That tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?" "The nurse told you, then?" Ray asked. "No," the doctor replied. "It's the urinalysis." He explained that he'd purchased a new machine that could diagnose absolutely every physical condition with total accuracy. The machine cost a fortune, but it cut down on his work so much that he was able to get out on the golf course at three every afternoon. Ray didn't believe a word. However, he did agree to provide another urine sample when he came back in for another checkup. Two weeks later, Ray was sitting at the breakfast table talking with his wife about the ridiculous machine. They decided to have some fun with the doctor. Ray pee'ed in the bottle, and so did his wife and teenage daughter. Then, as he opened the garage door, Ray had another idea. He put a few drops of crankcase oil from his car in the bottle, then beat off and added a few drops of semen. Then he shook up the bottle, drove to the doctor and handed the bottle to the nurse. This time the analysis took an entire hour. When Ray sat down, the doctor looked at him and said, "All right, wise guy. I've got some bad news for you. Your daughter's pregnant, your wife's got V.D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never going to heal."

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left? "None" replied Johnny, cause the rest would fly away. Well the answer is four said the teacher, but I like the way you are thinking. Little Johnny says, I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone - which one is married? Well said the teacher nervously, I guess the one sucking the cone? No, said Little Johnny, the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking...

One truck is passing another on a motorway. When the driver of the faster truck is at the level of cabin of the other, he looks over to see who the driver is. To his surprise, he sees a monkey sitting next to the driver. At the next truck stop, he sees the same truck again, walks up there and asks the driver why the hell he has this monkey with him. Well, the other says, you know, these long trips, and I don't wanna catch something from these girls... so I taught this little beast how to give me a blow job. You did WHAT ? As I said, look, - and he sits back, drops his pants, takes out his cock, and makes the monkey sit in front of him. Nothing happens. Now, get on, he shouts and slaps the monkey's head several times. The monkey immediately starts giving head until the guy comes in his mouth. Gosh, the other says, I've never seen something like that ! Hey, man, would you like to try it too? the guy with the monkey asks. Hmm, well, yes, sure, but please don't hit my face that hard, will you?

A woman is walking down the street, when she sees a sign in the pet shop window, advertising clitoris licking frogs for $5. she immediately thinks "i'll have one of those", and goes into the shop. She leaves the shop ten minutes later with a frog in one pocket and an envelope containing instructions in the other pocket. she gets home and upon finding her husband at work, she decides to test the frog out. she goes up to her bedroom and opens the envelope. the first instruction says "get undressed", so she does. the next tells her to lie on her bed with her legs spread..which she does. then she reads that she hass to place the frog between her legs, which she does.. the final instruction is to tell the frog to do it, so she says to the frog" do it frog, do it" and nothing happens. again she tries " do it frog, do it" and again nothing happens. after about five minutes of this, the woman decides to ring up the pet-shop and complain. the owner listens carefully and tells her he'll be around in about 5 minutes. when he gets to her house, he promptly buries his head between her legs and says to the frog....." do i have to show you again !?"...............

A rather hungry beggar enters the messroom, finds an unoccupied place and sits down. Opposite him sits a man with widely spread newspaper in front of him, fully absorbed in reading. His plate of soup is untouched, but the man does not budge. Our beggar grabs the plate, and swallows the soup with the lightning speed. Then suddenly he sees a dirty comb full of hair on the bottom of his plate. Here on the spot he throws up all he has eaten back to the plate. The man opposite carefully folds his newspaper, and addresses the beggar: "Have you found a comb in the plate?" "Ughhhh, yeah!!" "Me, too."

It is said, that when Nixon visited Moscow in '70-ties, He reproached Soviet authorities on lack of freedom of speach in their country. "In America, everyone can go on the street, and shout: Nixon is asshole!" "Why, in our country also everyone can go to the street and shout: Nixon is asshole!"

There's this guy who from birth has been covered with boils. Well one day, completely by accident one of his boils gets popped, and puss starts leaking out. To stop it from getting on his clothes he wipes it up with his hand, but now his hand is covered in puss! So he thinks about it for a second, looks around to make sure that no-one is looking and starts to lick his hand clean. Much to his suprise he finds that he likes the taste of puss, so when he gets home he starts eating the boils right off of his skin and before he knows it he's eaten all of them! Well, he wants more so he puts an ad in the classifieds that reads: "Male seeks female, BOILS A MUST! Call 555-1234" That week he recieved lots of calls but he finally decided on one woman, who like him had been covered with boils from birth. On their first date they were sitting at dinner when he said to her, "Look, this may sound disgusting, and you may want to leave when you hear it but... I like to eat boils and I was wondering if I could eat yours." "Well, it is kind of weird, but okay!" she replied. They went home, and when they got there he stripped her naked and began to eat the boils. When they were all gone he looked at her and said "Look, I'm going to be completely honest with you, the only reason I went out with you was to get at your boils. I don't really think that we should see each other any more." "Wait!" she said as he began to leave, "I have one more boil!" "Really?" He asked, "Where?" "Well," He thought "A boil's a boil." so he got down and began to eat her last boil. While he was doing this she cut the biggest fart, right in his face!!! He looked up at her and said "You know, You are really disgusting!!!!!"

A fly is flying six inches above a lake. A fish sees the fly and says: "If that fly drops 6 inches I've got myself lunch!" A bear sees the fish and says: "if that fly drops 6 inches the fish will grab it I'll get the fish and have lunch." A hunter sees the bear and says: "if that fly flys 6 inches lower the fish will grab it, the bear will grab the fish, I'll shoot the bear and get a trophy." A mouse sees the fly and says: "if that fly drops 6 inches the fish will grab it the bear will grab the fish the hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich and I'll have lunch." Meanwhile a cat has been watching all this. Suddenly the fly drops 6 inches. >THE FISH GRABS THE FLY >THE BEAR GRABS THE FISH >THE HUNTER SHOOTS THE BEAR DROPS HIS SANDWICH >THE MOUSE GRABS THE SANDWICH >AND THE CAT RUNS AFTER THE MOUSE JUMPS AND MISSES AND GOES RIGHT >INTO THE LAKE! What is the moral to this story? WHEN A FLY DROPS 6 INCHES A PUSSY GETS WET!

Different guy goes into the bar and orders 5 shots of whiskey. the bartender says "Wow, what's up?" The guy says "I'm celebrating my first blow job." "Man, that's great," says the bartender. Let me buy you a shot too." "No, thanks," replies the guy. "If 5 drinks doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, 6 isn't going to do it either."

A man walks into a bar and orders five shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Bad day, huh?" "You don't even know the half of it," the man says. "I just found out my oldest son was gay." "That is rough," the bartender says and pours the man's drinks. The next day, the same man comes into the bar, sits down, and orders ten shots. "Wow!" says the bartender. "Worse day than yesterday?" The man nods and says, "Yeah, I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too." "Oh, man," the bartender says, with heartflet sympathy, "That's too bad," and he pours the man's drinks. The next day, same man comes in, sits down, and orders twenty shots. "God damn!" says the bartender. "Doesn't anybody, at your house, like women?" "Yeah," the guy says, miserably. "My wife does."

A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets of at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." the hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him that the every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetary to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," said the bus driwent dressed in robes and some glowing powder," said the bus driver(male) "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you." Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetary and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets abouther virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!" The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!"

A man had a deaf woman as a wife, so in order to communicate with her, he had to use sign language. They soon got quite confused whenever either of them wanted to have sex. They made up a sign of their own for the action, and then the husband explained through signing, this to her: "When I want to have sex, I will pull your left nipple one time." She nodded in understanding. "When I do not want to make love, I will pull your left nipple twice" She nodded again. "When you want to have sex, you pull my dick one time." She smiled and nodded. "But when you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 357 times."

There were two brothers, who were identical twins. Danny was married, but Roy was single and owned a small dilapidated boat. It just so happened that on the same day that Danny's wife died, Roy's boat sank. A kind old lady met Roy on the street and, mistaking him for his brother Danny, said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I'm sorry to hear of your great loss. You must feel terrible." Roy said, "Well I'm not a bit sorry, she was rotten from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, she smelled of fish the first time I got her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a big hole in the front and a big crack in the back. The hole kept getting bigger every time I used her, and one leaked all over the place. What finished her off though, was four guys from the other side of town that came looking for a good time. They asked if they could use her and I rented looking for a good time. They asked if they could use her and I rented her to them, but warned them she wasn't too hot. But they insisted they wanted to give her a try. The result was the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. The strain was too much for her and she cracked right down the middle." The old lady fainted...

A gorilla escapes from the zoo one day and runs into a suburban area, where it climbs up a tree belonging to one Mr. Jones and won't come down. Naturally, Jones is a bit worried about the gorilla, and so calls the local gorilla exterminator. The exterminator arrives with a shotgun and a big mean doberman. "Mr. Jones, isn't it? I hear you have a gorilla problem. Well, you see, my assistant is out sick today, and I could use your help. Can you take me to the gorilla, first of all?" Jones leads the exterminator to the tree where the gorilla is. "Okay," says the exterminator. "I'll need you to hold the shotgun. I'm going to loose the dog, and climb up this tree. When I get to the gorilla, I'll give the branch a good shake and he'll come falling out of the tree. Once he does, ol' Fido here is trained to jump on the gorilla and bite good and hard into his testicles, and he'll be helpless while I put the chains on him." "I see," says Jones. "But, then, what is the gun for?" "Oh, the gun is the most important part," says the exterminator. "If, by some chance, *I* should fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla -- SHOOT THE DOG!"

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang. When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor". She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr.Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me", and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem". The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Zachary Disease....that when your face look ZACHARY like your ass!"

Ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees indian sitting near his (Indian's) house. Cowboy: Hey! Cool dog. Mind if I speak to him? Indian: Dog no talk. Cowboy: Hey, dog, how's it goin? Dog: doin' alright. Indian: Cowboy: Is this your owner? Dog: yep. Cowboy: How's he treat you? Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play. Indian: Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse? Indian: Horse no talk. Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it goin? Horse: Cool. Indian: Cowboy: Is this your owner? Horse: Yep. Cowboy: How's he treat you? Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements. Indian: Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep? Indian: Sheep lie!!

A cowboy is riding across the plains of the old west, when he is captured by Indians. The tribe puts him on trial for crimes against the Indian Nation, and he is found guilty. "You have been sentenced to death," said the Chief, "but, as is our custom, you have three wishes to make as your last requests." The cowboy thought for a minute and said: "Well, for my first wish, I'll need my horse." "Give him his horse", said the Chief. The cowboy whispered something into the horse's ear, and the horse took off like a shot across the prairie. Twenty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on its back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders, and helped the young lady off the horse. He then took her into the woods and had his way with her. "Second wish", said the Chief. "I'll need my horse again", said the cowboy. "Give him his horse", said the Chief. Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse's ear, and once again the horse rode off over the prairie. Thirty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful brunette on its back. The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young lady off the horse, and went into the woods, same reason as before. "This is your last wish", said the Chief, "make it a good one!" "I'll need my horse again." "Give him his horse", said the Chief. The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse's head, and put his face right up to the horse's. "Listen good this time - I said POSSE!"

A pompous Baptist minister was seated next to an overbearing attorney on a flight to Wichita. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The attorney asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "I'd rather behave like a savage and ravage a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!" The attorney handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, "I didn't know there was a choice."

So Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for '96. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win. Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away--ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away--ka-blooey! A car passes going 90 miles an hour--bulls-eye! Right into the barely open window. "I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl. The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXI, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl." "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're not my son." "I don't think you understand, mother" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans." "No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight...." The old lady pauses, in tears. "... I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland..."

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said: "Fuck him. Give him a dollar." The breakfast was my idea..."

Young Lieutenant, Smythe-Worthington reported to his first military assignment, at one of those far-flung outposts of the British Empire, and made an office call on the Commanding Officer. " SIR!", he called out, while saluting smartly, "Reginald Smythe-Worthington; Lieutenant of Quartermaster, reporting for duty!" The Colonel welcomed him to the unit, gave him an orientation on the local area, and described the duties for which he'd be responsible. At the end of his pitch, the Colonel said, "Although we work hard here, and conditions are a bit austere, we DO manage to have SOME fun. For instance, today is Thursday. On Thursday nights the officers all get together at my quarters, smoke great cigars, and play poker into the small hours of the morning. We find it's a great morale booster!" "I'm sorry, sir", the lieutenant replied, "but I don't believe in gambling, and the smell of cigar smoke makes me queasy." The Colonel paused for a moment. "I see . . . . . . Well . . . , no matter, because tomorrow is Friday, and on Friday we get together in the Officers' Mess, tap into the rum and gin rations, and get good and drunk. It's a fine way to decompress after an exhausting week." "I'm sorry, sir", interrupted the lieutenant, "but I promised my mother I wouldn't take up drinking while I was in the military." The Colonel again paused for a moment, and stared at the lieutenant. "I see... Well, that's that's quite alright. Because the next night is Saturday, and since it's the weekend we all head over to the nearby town to court the women. The women are a wild and primative bunch, as you might imagine, and their love-making can go on all night." "Sir, I'm sorry", replied the lieutenant, "but I really have no desire to associate with women of such loose morals." The Colonel stared silently at the lieutenant for several long moments. Finally, with a questioning look on his face, he asked, "Are you "queer", Smythe-Worthington?" "NO, SIR!", the young officer emphatically replied, with a look of revultion on his face. The Colonel again stared at him. " Pity. . . . . . . . You're not much going to enjoy Sunday, either."

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door". He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY...

While playing golf, the man finds a corked bottle on the green. Upon opening it, a genie appears and grants the fellow one wish. After thinking about it for a while, the man says, "I'd like to shoot par golf regularly." "No problem," says the genie, "But understand that your sex life will be greatly reduced as a side effect." I can handle that," the man says, and POOF, the deed is done. Several months later, the genie reappears on the same golf hole and asks the man how his golf game is doing. "Fantastic!" says the man, "I'm now carrying a scratch handicap." "And what effect has it had on your sex life?" the genie nquires. "I still manage to have relations 2-3 times a month," the fellow answers calmly. "2-3 times a month," the genie says, "That's not much of a sex l"2-3 times a month," the genie says, "That's not much of a sex life." "Well," the fellow responds, "I don't think it's too bad for a middle-aged priest with a very small parish."

One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Billy watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"

Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!" The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!" The third woman fainted...

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man: "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill". The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off". The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!..."

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

Stefan and Grandpa: Stefan and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" To which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one." A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" To which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one." Later on,Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food aLater on,Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000" Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?" The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" "Yes," says grandpa. "Then go fuck yourself!..."

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following; "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

There's a guy with a Doberman pinscher and a guy with a chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman pinscher says to the guy with a chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the chihuahua figures, "What the hell," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A chihuahua?" The guy with the chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a chihuahua?"

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

There was a butler who worked for a wealthy couple. The husband was old, and the wife young and beautiful. One night the couple went out to dinner, and the butler stayed at their house. The young wife returned home earlier than the husband, and she called the butler, Sam, into her room. She told him: "Sam, I want you to take my shoes off." Sam took her shoes off. "Sam, now I want you to take my stockings off." Sam took her stockings off. "Now, Sam, take off my dress, my bra, and my panties. And Sam, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again..."

The Pope was coming over to visit Canada and when he was greeted at the airport there was a limo waiting for him. As he was getting in he asked the limo driver if he could drive instead, because being a Pope - he never got to do neat things like that. The driver said sure, after all - you can't say no to the Pope. The Pope of course decided to have some fun and drove the limo at about 200 km/h in a 80 km/h zone and a cop spots him and pulls him over. The cop of course was very surprised when he looked inside the limo, and immediately radioed his supervisor. Cop: What should I do? I can't ticket this guy! Supervisor: Why who is it? The Mayor? Cop: No, much more important! Supervisor: Not the mayor? Is it the Premiere? Cop: No, much more important! Supervisor: Not the Premiere? The Prime Minister? Cop: No, much much more important! Supervisor: Not the Prime Minister? Who the hell can be more important than the Prime Minister? Cop: I don't know, but he has the Pope as his chauffeur!

I was going down the street the other day and ran into this dirty old beggar sitting on the sidewalk. As I approached, he got up and came over to me and asked for $5 to buy breakfast. I told him," Come on friend. Let's go over to the bar and I'll buy you a drink". He replied, "No thanks, I don't drink. I just want $5 for breakfast." Next I said, "Well then, how about one of my nice cigars?" He again said, "No, I don't smoke, " Next I said, "I'll tell you what. Let's go to the track and take that $5 you want for breakfast and put it on a sure thing. You would have enough money to last a month." Again, he told me, " I don't gamble. I just want breakfast." Finally I told him, "If you'll come home with me and meet my wife, I'll fix you the biggest breakfast you ever ate." With this his eyes lit up and he asked, "Why will you fix me a big breakfast if I come home and meet your wife." "Simple", I responded. "I want her to meet someone who doesn't drink, smoke or gamble and show her what that can do to a man."

A guy, a pig, and a dog are the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a tropical island. After being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking better and better and pretty soon the guy rolled toward the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this and growled fiercly at the guy , until he removed his arm from the Pig. They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her and they slowly nursed her back to good health. When she was well enough they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, warm gentle breeze, perfect for romance, the four of them lying there. The guy started getting 'those' ideas again, so he leaned over toward the girl and said "Honey ,could you take the dog for a walk?..."

Maude went to the Doctor one day for an exam. After completing the exam, the Doctor told Maude to get dressed and step in his office. He told her to return in two weeks and bring a specimen with her. Maude looked confused but agreed to what he said. Upon returning home, her husband, Ferd, asked how things went. Maude said fine but that she was to return in two weeks with a specimen. Ferd said, "What's a specimen, Maude?" "I don't know, Ferd, but I was afraid to ask," replied Maude. "Why don't you go next door and ask Naomi. Naomi knows everything," Ferd concluded. Maude went next door and when she returned about 15 minutes later, her clothing was torn. She had scratches and bruises all over. Her hair was pulled out of shape. "What happened to you, Maude?" asked Ferd. Maude replied, "Well I went next door like you said to ask Naomi what a specimen is. She told me to piss in a bottle. I told her to shit in a bag, and one thing led to another."

St Peter gets fed up with standing at the pearly gates and giving or denying access to Heaven. Jesus offers to take over. A man comes up to him. "I'm looking for my son", he says. "And who are you" says Jesus. "I suppose I'm the closest that he has to a Father." says the man. "What do you do?" asks Jesus curiously. "I suppose you could say I'm a carpenter" says the man. "And does your son have holes in his hands and feet?" asks Jesus excitedly. "He does!" shouts the man. "DADDY!" shouts Jesus. "PINOCCIO!" shouts Guisseppe...

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too. The Redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too." Next day - the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican open his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also. At the funeral - The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the Redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch!"

A boy who had just turned sixteen went to his father and asked him since he was old enough to drive, could he get a car. The father thought about it, and I'll make a deal with you! If you read your bible more and cut your hair, then I'll get you a car. The son agreed and went his way. A couple of weeks later, the son approached the father and said "you know, Dad, I've been reading the bible like you've asked me to and says here that Jesus had long hair too." The father replied to the son, "Yeah, but Jesus also walked everywhere he went!..."

A guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket in her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in here!"

A man with a bad stomach complaint sees his family doctor and asks what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted into the back passage. The man agrees, although reluctantly. The doctor warns the man to expect some discomfort, and then asks him to bend over. The doctor then shoves the thing into his behind. The man experiences some minor discomfort but endures the pain. Afterwards, the doctor hands the man a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours, using rubber gloves and some KY-Jelly. Later that evening, the man tries to insert the second suppository. Sure enough, he can't reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and explains what she has to do. The wife nods and puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him. She uses her free hand to shove the medicine home. The man suddenly screams in horror. "What's the matter?" asks his wife. "Did I hurt you?" "No, but I just realized that the doctor had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty. Tech: What's the problem? User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply. Tech: You'll need a new power supply. User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files. Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it. User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command. Ten minutes later, the user is still persistent that he is right. The tech is frustrated and give up. Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem. User: I knew it! Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes. Ten minutes later. User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking. Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using? User: MS-DOS 6.22. Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes. One hour later. User: I need a new power supply. Tech: How did you come to that conclusion? User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply. Tech: Then what did he say? User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.

HL: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" DAU: "Yes, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect" HL: "What sort of trouble?" DAU: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." HL: "Went away?" DAU: "They disappeared." HL: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" DAU: "Nothing." HL: "Nothing?" DAU: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." HL: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" DAU: "How do I tell?" HL: "Can you see the c:\prompt on the screen?" DAU: "What's a sea prompt?" HL: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" DAU: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." HL: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" DAU: "What's a monitor?" HL: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" DAU: "I don't know." HL: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" DAU: "Yes, I think so." HL: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." DAU: "Yes, it is." HL: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" DAU: "No." HL: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." DAU: "Okay, here it is." HL: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." DAU: "I can't reach." HL: "Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?" DAU: "No." HL: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" DAU: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark." HL: "Dark?" DAU: "Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." HL: "Well, turn on the office light then." DAU: "I can't." HL: "No? Why not?" DAU: "Because there's a power outage." HL: "A power....A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" DAU: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." HL: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought if from." DAU: "Really? Is it that bad?" HL: "Yes, I'm afraid it is." DAU: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" HL: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

The pope stands in front of Heaven's Gate, when Petrus asks him: "Who are you?". The pope replies: "I'm the Pope of Rome, Jesus' successor on Earth, you don't know me?" "Rome, Rome... Ahh, Rome in California..??" "No, Rome in Italy!" "Rome in Italy? Never heard of." The pope starts another try: "Ask God, he knows me!" Petrus asks the AllMighty: "Hey Big Boss, know the Pope of Rome?" "Rome, Rome... Oh, Rome in California..??" "No, Rome in Italy!" "Rome in Italy? Never heard of." The Pope gets a little bit irritated and asks Petrus to query Jesus. Petrus: "Hey Junior Boss, know the Pope of Rome your alleged sucessor on Earth?" "Yeah, Rome in California...." and smiles. "No, Rome in Italy!" "Rome in Italy? Never heard of." ... and turns back to Maria Magdalena. The Pope takes his last straw and says: "The ask the Holy Ghost, he knows me!" Petrus: "Hey Smokey, know the Pope of Rome?". "Rome, Rome... Sure, Rome in California!" "No, Rome in Italy!" "Rome in Italy? Rome in Italy? ... Arrrrgh, got'im ! Send that bloody fucking bastard to hell, he always tells dirty stories about me and Maria!"